>> Wednesday, December 9, 2009
July was one of the most trying months Nick and I have faced in the short time we have been married. I purposely haven't shared the experience because it has been very hard for me to talk about. As the time has passed i have come to really know that my Heavenly Father loves me and would never want something that was not best for me. That simple statement in itself is such a comfort after going through this ordeal and it has greatly strengthened my faith, the fact that i know my Heavenly Father knows me individually, and Nick and I's relationship. It is through this strengthened faith i now feel like i can share this experience. Not for sympathy and not for pity. I've already pitied myself enough. I don't know why i feel like i should share. Maybe in some way this will assist one of you reading. I don't kow. I really don't....
When Nick and I were getting married i did one essential thing most girls do. Started birth control. Bad idea for me! For the first two months of Nick and I's married I was incredibly sick every single morning on the dot at 3 o' clock. I would sit straight up and my bed, wide awake, race to the bathroom, and puke out anything i'd tried to get down during dinner. After so long i had it. I went to my doctor and switched to the Nuva ring. It seemed to work great! I was only sick the first night i started it and then NOTHING! Hooray! Yeah, i spoke too soon.... It didn't take long for crazy emotions set in. When i was happy, i was HAPPY! It was great, so you'd think... not. When i was sad, i was SAD. When i was angry, i was ANGRY! Poor Nick was such a loving supportive husband to patiently wait through this time. It didn't take but a month before HE said lets bag it. He hated that i "wasn't myself" and just wanted his wife pack. Poor guy. So I went off it. We were at a loss what to do. The pills I had been on were the lowest dose! So it was then that we decided the dreaded "C" word was going to have to be welcomed into our life. Now all of you married friends know the "C" word sucks. Horribly. I'd love to say we were faithful everytime, but yeah, no such luck. We were newlyweds. Passionate and such. You get my drift. Things happened. I'm sure you can all guess the next part of the story.
Mid April of this year, following one of my routine freak outs of whether i was pregnant or not, Nick took me to get some more, yes more - i would stock up regulary (yes, i'm paranoid), pregnancy tests. All the way he rolled his eyes and laughed at me. He was used to a regular weekly freak out which always turned out negative. When we got there i bought two. What if by chance it said yes?! I would need another to make sure! Wen we got home Nick let me do my thing and started making dinner. After realizing I hadn't come out for some time he came looking for me. There he found me in our bedroom with not one, but TWO, positive, yes positive, peed on stick. You can only imagine his shock. Men, so naive. When you put "that" "there" these things happen! I was pregnant. This is where my cute naive husband says "well guess we've got to go to the doctor tomorrow to see if those stupid sticks are even right". Ha ha. I, at this point, start bawling. Now please, don't get me wrong. I want children. I even like children. I just know I am NOT ready to bring a precious spirit of our Heavenly Fathers into this world at this point in my life. We headed straight to the doctor first thing the next morning. Of course, it was positive. Right there was where emotionally, mentally, physicallly, and spriitually the roller coaster started.
I was instantly stressed and angry. If you know me at all you know i am very anal about money. Now i wasn't always like that. After a couple painful self inflicted learning experiences my first year of college i knew money was something i never wanted to have to be completely and entirely worried about. I quickly found out that if you did not have insurance before you became pregnant you became "uninsurable". The only loop hole to this was Medicaid, which Nick and I didn't qualify for. How were we going to pay for all the doctors visits for the next 9 months to ensure that this little person inside of me was healthy and safe? I felt an incredile sense of pretection immediately for this little he or she. Why had my Heavenly Father sent someone so precious down at THIS TIME?! How could he do this to me, and more importantly this little person. I wasn't ready! After months of reassurment from Nick and family that things would work out i finally let go and relaxed. What should happen would.
Come July it was time for my first appointment. In fact it was past time. I was fourteen weeks already, but because of my previous stress about money i'd also stressed about which doctor would be the cheapest but still be able to provide the best care for our baby. July twenty second, the day before Nick's birthday, we went for the first appointment. I was terrified. I'd been spotting lightly for about 4 days now, something i'd read on the internet happens sometimes. After hours of waiting for our doctor (whom i would NOT recommend. Yes, she is one of the sweetest most kind women, but she always seemed TOO busy) she finally came in to only tell us that she'd just been called to an emergency C-section and would have to make this a quick appointment. She decided we wouldn't do a full exam but we'd just listen for the baby's heart beat. She got that cold little microphone looking device out and started rubbing all over my belly. Nothing. No need to worry she says, sometimes at this stage the baby can hide and make it hard for us to find the heart beat. She sent me home to drink a ton of water and come back in a few hours for an ultra sound. I didn't even make it to the car before i was bawling. I just knew something was wrong. I could feel it. Nick tried to reassure me that she was just busy and didn't have the time to do what she needed correctly, plus she'd said this happened all the time. Everything was going to be fine. He was so optimistic and excited it broke my heart. See people always say that a person knows their own body. I full heartedly believe this to be true. I just knew. Now, more than ever, i dreaded going to that ultra sound. Not only would I have to hear the news i already knew, but i'd have to watch my honey's heart broken right in front of my eyes. He was so excited for this baby the minute we found out. I just didn't think i could bear to watch that.
One-thirty rolled around and we headed to the hospital. Laying on that bed with Nick holding my hand i braced myself. The horrible ultra sound tech (she had no sympathy what-so-ever. in fact she was extremely rude.) rolled the little instrument on my belly. There he or she was! I could see the baby, but my supsicions were confirmed. I'd had the opportunity to sit in on many echo/ultra sounds in high school for and internship and i knew enough that looking at mine i could see there was blood in my uterus, but none in the baby. Tears slowly started to flow again and i felt a squeeze on my hand. I looked over to see Nick glowing. "See," he said, "I told you! Everything is fine. Can't you see that little baby there! That's our baby." He didn't know yet. My heart broke. The actual ultra sound doctor then came in and broke the news. I couldn't even look at Nick. I had to look and make sure he was ok. The hurt on his face was more painful than the physical pain i was about to face. The doctors sent me home to hopefully naturally miscarry.
For the next month i had intense contractions just like i was in labor, without the reward of a baby in the end. I cried every night, sometimes by myself when Nick had to go to work. Worse than the physical pain were the emotions. This sounds silly but i compare it to a break up. An intense times by a million break up. The only reason i compare it to this is for this reason, the thing that hurt the most. When you break up, whether in high school or college or whenever, you eventually find someone to fill that hole. Usually more fully than the last person could of. With the miscarriage i still, to this day, feel a hole that i wonder if anyone will ever be able to fill. And even worse was having to watch my husband cry, really cry, the first time since i had met him. I couldn't fix this hurt. He has the same hole I do and I know there is no filling it.
Time really does heal the heart. I can't say that when i see pregnant women that i don't still get sad, but i'm ok now. Like i said in the beginning i have come to have a very strong testimoney that my Heavenly Father know ME personally and he loves me inspite of all my imperfections. He does know what is best for me and would never inflict something that was not good. Events after the miscarriage unfolded and I knew that a baby could not have been possibley at this time in Nick and I's life. Why i became pregnant and had to go through this rather than just not getting pregnant at all i'm not sure, but i have some great answers to that. My Heavenly Father does know me and knows the lessons i get to learn. I am forever grateful for that. On those days that we feel so lonely that there is not a single person that cares HE does. I am incredibly grateful for the strong man that I married.
I love you all! I hope that someone out there is assisted in my inspiration to share this story.
Keep updating those blogs (hypocritical i know! I swear i will do my best to do better!)! I love hearing about you all that i don't get to see as often as i'd like to anymore.
I wish only the best for you and your families in the holiday season!
Happy New Year
if i don't see you til then.